HOW TO GET OVER HEARTBREAK AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE
1.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings.
When somebody breaks up
with you, you're going to feel a flood of emotions, says Rebecca
Hendrix, LMFT, a psychotherapist in New York City. “It's a trauma.
It's a shock to your system.” And as with any type of emotional shock, “you
want to be really gentle with yourself and you want to allow yourself to feel
your feelings,” she says. After all, your feelings are there for a reason—they
can help you move through difficult experiences, but only if you release them.
In the days following
the breakup, allow yourself to cry and acknowledge that a breakup is like any
other type of loss. With loss come five stages of grief: denial, anger,
bargaining, depression, and acceptance. “You're going to go through those in
your own way, in your own time,” says Hendrix. And during the process, validate
your feelings by saying things like “Why wouldn’t I feel like way?” and “Of
course I’m experiencing this emotion.”
2.
But don’t become your feelings.
Though it’s important
to express your feelings, it’s also important to stop short of becoming them,
says Hendrix. So if you feel sad, let yourself wallow for a certain amount of
time—say, an hour. Cry, scream, yell, journal, do whatever you need to do to
let your emotions flow freely, she says. But when those 60 minutes are up, stop
and move on to something else.
3.
Cut off communication with your ex.
There’s a scientific
reason heartbreak hurts so much: You actually go through withdrawal-like
symptoms after a breakup because the feel-good hormones you got
from your partner are suddenly gone, says Elle Huerta, founder of Mend, an app and online
community designed to help people post-breakup. “When your partner is no longer
there, you start to crave those feel-good hormones,” she explains. “If you give
in to this feeling and see your ex again, you'll struggle to move forward and
find yourself stuck months and maybe even years later.” (That’s why Mend
promotes a 60-day “ex detox.”)
Cutting off all contact
in the beginning is healthy, agrees Hendrix. It allows you to break your
attachment to your former partner. That said, there's no hard-and-fast rule
about contacting your ex, she adds. Brief, occasional communication—like “Hey,
could we talk for a few minutes? I'm having a hard time with this”—could be
okay. Just be cautious that those “innocent check-ins” don’t become a habit.
“Every time you talk to them, you open up another energy tie between you, and
your goal is to break those energetic ties, not to keep creating them,” says
Hendrix.
4.
Find a support system.
Call two or three
people you really care about and let them know what you’re going through, says
Hendrix: “A lot of people love you and they want to support you, but often they
don't know how because you're not telling them.”
Opening up to others
may bring catharsis in return. “Most everyone has been on the receiving end of
a breakup at one time or another, and commiserating with them, sharing
experiences, getting counsel, being reminded you’re not alone, can be highly
beneficial,” says Franklin A. Porter, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New
York City.
5.
Exercise.
Breaking a sweat may be
the last thing you want to do when you’re wallowing, but trust: It can help.
“The endorphins produced during exercise will help with the withdrawal symptoms
post-breakup, and it also helps you build confidence in yourself,” says Huerta.
6.
Remember what sucked.
A common response
post-breakup is to idealize the other person, says Hendrix. And while you don’t
want to deny that there were good parts of your relationship, you also don’t
want to fixate on them. To find the middle ground, write a list of all the
negative aspects of your former partner/relationship and look at it on the reg.
“This mental exercise helps counterbalance all the obsessive thinking you will
probably be experiencing around what you miss about your ex and why they were
so great—even if they weren't,” says Huerta.
7.
Take care of yourself.
All three experts agree
that taking care of yourself in the midst of heartbreak is key. Check in with
yourself throughout the day and ask: What do I need? says Hendrix.
Maybe it’s a healthy salad, maybe it’s a hot bath, maybe it’s a phone call with
a friend.
Also, know that
feelings of rejection and diminished self-worth could trigger unhealthy
responses like over- or undereating or substance abuse, which could lead to a
depressive spiral, says Porter. “Exercise, nutrition, and proper sleep will
raise the floor on how bad you feel,” he adds.
8.
Don’t judge the length of your healing process.
“Don't equate the time
of healing with the time of your relationship,” says Hendrix. Even "almost
relationships" can cause enormous heartbreak, says Huerta.
“A lot of times people
are like, 'Well, I was only with them for six months. Why am I devastated?'”
says Hendrix. “Because you fell for them in six months and you've gotten super
attached and you started spending every day and night together for a while.
Your six months is like somebody else's two years. So whatever you feel, honor
that.” In truth, how long it takes to get over an ex depends on a variety of
factors, including the
narrative you tell yourself.
9.
Don’t internalize the breakup.
In the aftermath of a
difficult split, avoid thinking, I’m not good enough—there’s something wrong
with me, says Porter. Instead, situate the problem in the relationship (if not
in your partner), he says.
10.
Identify and eliminate unhealthy behaviors.
Try to understand any
impulses you may be having, like texting your ex, checking their Instagram
every hour, or replaying every damn detail of your last weekend together. These
urges are part of the natural withdrawal process that happens after heartbreak,
but don’t let yourself overindulge in obsessive behaviors (like analyzing every
aspect of your relationship until 4 a.m.), says Hendrix. If you find yourself
spending significant time in this frame of mind, it might be wise to reach out
to a coach or therapist for support.
11.
Create new routines.
Realize that the
breakup is likely going to cause voids in your life. Say you and your ex always
went to the movies every Friday, says Hendrix. Now your Friday nights are wide
open, but instead of wallowing alone, proactively call your friends and make
plans.
12.
Explore old—and new—interests.
Say you really enjoy
the outdoors, but your ex didn’t, so while you were together, you cut back on
your weekend hiking habit. Now that you’re single, give yourself permission to
reconnect with that interest and also explore new hobbies. “The universe meets
us at the point of action, and if we're trying to heal, we have to take steps
to heal,” says Hendrix.
Take intentional steps
to move forward with your life, like joining a new gym, signing up for pottery
class, or booking a trip with friends.
13.
Accept that closure is something you may need to find on your own.
Sometimes you're not
going to get the closure you need from your ex, and you’ll have to find it on
your own. If your former partner couldn’t explain the reason for the breakup,
create your own healthy narrative. And if that isn’t enough to provide closure,
consider talking with a therapist, says Hendrix.
Also, if your breakup
triggers thoughts and feelings about other losses in your life and you’re
having a hard time processing it all, definitely seek outside help.
14.
If you decide to date, do so cautiously.
After getting your
heart trampled, it can be tempting to instantly download Tinder and search for
a rebound. But Hendrix warns against dating too soon after heartbreak. “You
don’t want to push yourself before it's time just to avoid feeling your feelings
because, most likely, they're going to come back to bite you,” she says. At the
same time, reentering the dating scene could provide a healthy confidence boost
for your bruised ego. Just be honest with yourself—and the people you’re
dating—about where you’re at emotionally, she says. If you’re not fully over
your ex and simply looking for a fun fling, say so.
15.
Trust that the pain won’t last forever.
“However much pain
you’re experiencing, try to believe that this, too, shall pass, and
have faith that on any given day you could meet your special someone who’s
truly right for you,” says Porter. When you’re in the thick of heartbreak, it
can be hard to imagine that you could ever feel otherwise. But “time does tend
to heal most, if not all wounds,” says Porter.
16.
Down the road, reflect on the positive things.
In the long run, the
breakup shouldn’t taint the whole relationship, says Porter. “As the pain
subsides, consider the good you got out of it, embrace the excitement of new
possibilities, and remind yourself how awesome you are,” he says.
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Thanks for reading: HOW TO GET OVER HEARTBREAK AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE, Sorry, my English is bad:)